I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ mean the same thing – unless you’re at a funeral. My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest. I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms. I played triangle in a reggae band but left – it was just one ting after another. Actually, I hate snow.’ – Bi-polar bear It’s a disgrace that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people – but none of them work. I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want. He hands the receptionist three nails and says: ‘Can you put me up for the night? Not like mum – screaming in terror in the passenger seat. ’ My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day. I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting. When my wife said she was leaving me because of my Monkees obsession I thought she was joking. He replies: ‘Nein – just one.’ What’s small, red and whispers? Here are the world’s best, funniest, silliest short jokes, one-liners, puns and funny phrases.
Roman: If I’d wanted a double, I’d’ve asked for one. ’ What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Masochist: ‘Hurt me.’ Sadist: ‘No.’ Make the little things count – teach maths to midgets. Crime in multi-storey car parks is wrong on so many different levels. I went shopping for some camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any. I called my lawyer and said: ‘Can I ask you two questions? I asked the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits? ’ I said: ‘I can’t do Tuesdays.’ The past, the present and the future were having an argument. The cross-eyed teacher had trouble controlling his pupils. Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.’ Velcro – what a rip-off. What Iran needs now is a more modern, moderate leader – a Mullah Lite. The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. The photon replies: ‘No, I’m travelling light.’ Jesus goes into a hotel.